Self-sabotage is not a matter of will
How to alter patterns of behavior beyond "shifting your mindset"
Shift happens…
I love Medium. I especially love all the over-caffeinated, self-help dudes on there writing about their miraculous financial, relational, and spiritual comebacks that happened when they decided to “shift their mindset.” I, too, can easily shift my reality. I buy it. Think and grow rich.
…until it doesn’t.
For every story about a simple change in thinking, I have five stories about my repeated failures when shift didn’t happen. I simply repeated the same harmful patterns again, much to my disappointment and shame.
For example, I know it takes consistent practice and consistent publishing to be a well-known writer. Yet, I still take weeks away from my writing practice, destroying any momentum I had, even though I really want to get paid to write.
I know what I need to do, but I continually do the opposite. Why can’t I just change my mind?
Because that is not how the human animal works. Self-sabotage is not a matter of will, it is a matter of feeling.
Harmful patterns are held in place emotionally not cognitively.
Many of our self-sabotaging behaviors are held in place on an unconscious, physiological level, rather than an easily-recalled, cognitive level. If you could think them away, you would.
These emotional patterns are shaped in early life and are usually tied to a deep, inherent need for safety, group acceptance, or love.
For example, I was a deeply sentimental child who took great pride in my good grades, so I saved every stickered, starred piece of homework in chronological order in a large, overstuffed faded red folder that lived in my backpack. I carried this folder full of my papers around with me everywhere.
One day, I couldn’t find my homework so my frustrated teacher, with his frustrated red face and frustrated bald head, demanded I find it while he stood over my desk. As I rifled through my backpack, he became increasingly agitated and grabbed my open backpack out of my hands.
He dramatically turned it upside down, shaking all of it contents on to my desk. My prized folder became a flurry of papers strewn into the air, eventually landing on my lap and the floor.
The entire class gasped at the mess.
I was mortified. I kneeled on the floor, slowly gathering my papers into my arms, trying to hide the tears of shame that ran down my cheeks. Looking down at my plaid skirt and scraped knees, I vowed to never be put in such a position again.
As an adult, I can see my teacher’s actions were totally inappropriate, but my child-self didn’t understand that adults also behave poorly for reasons that have nothing to do with the kids. Instead, I believed I deserved to be punished for my idiosyncrasies because that is what made sense in my childlike understanding of the world.
Around that time, I started to meticulously follow rules and hide any peculiarities, so I could ensure my private existence under the radar of raging teachers and bullies.
The public punishment was so painful to me, that I buried this memory for several decades though it unconsciously raged on in my life through my patterns of strict self-imposed perfectionism, held in place by a fear I could not fully grasp.
I had crippling anxiety about making mistakes or being too visible, so I stuck to easy, low-paying jobs that would never make me feel vulnerable. I hid and destroyed artwork and journals for a large part of my life; the thought of my creative imperfections being exposed or judged was too much to risk.
The wildest part: This memory reemerged in my 30s, when I started to explore the therapeutic technique called EFT, also known as tapping. I tapped about the topic of my self-sabotaging perfectionism and this memory emerged.
The emotional shadow this event cast in my life was decades-long, though it was hidden from my available, conscious memory.
When I allowed myself to recall it fully and process through all the emotions associated, I realized my perfectionism, which I previously championed as a part of my personality, was actually about trying to stay safe.
Emotions are not words. Emotions are physiological patterns.
If I see a snake, I jump out of the way, before my brain has time to think “Snake!” It is my biological imperative to recognize this pattern instinctually, before my brain can even register what is happening.
Our bodies do the same thing with interpersonal patterns that feel dangerous. I am a human with a powerful mind who can make myself forget painful memories and I am — in equal measure — an animal who is hardwired to avoid dangerous and hurtful things, even if that danger is only emotional and not physical.
If your best friend criticizes you in the way your mother always did, you might react the way you learned to when you were six. Perhaps when you were six, your mother wanted you to shut up, take her criticism, and not talk back or engage. She thought this was “obedience,” or “respect.” She essentially trained you to shut down when criticized, so you may continue to shut down when your adult friend criticizes you because you learned that is the “safest” thing to do.
You may recognize the tone of criticism, and it triggers a physiological response of stress in, say, your stomach, and you automatically react with the defense you learned, in an act of self-preservation. Your stomach tightens and you shut down, even though you are an adult with agency and the skills to navigate hard conversations.
Your mother isn’t horrible, she is just a person who probably learned a similar pattern when she was six from her parent. We are often unaware of these emotional patterns that influence and undermine our actions.
I can recognize a “dangerous” pattern and react physiologically seconds before I can logically explain what is happening. When lovers get into the same fight over and over again, it is likely both people are triggered, running habitual emotional responses based on past experiences and not based on the reality of the current moment. They don’t want to fight, but here they are again, running the same emotional gamut of fear masquerading as anger, anxiety or suspicion.
How To Stop the Pattern
Humans behave in alignment with the stored emotion, though the behavior seems inexplicable to the conscious part of ourselves that wants good things.
When we feel inexplicably triggered, we are actually recognizing an emotional pattern that our body perceives as unsafe. The stored emotions exist as physical sensations outside of our ability to narrate or explain them. Even if we cannot cognitively remember, our body does.
To overcome the pattern, you have to get to the root of the emotion and address it through the body, not only through the mind. To overcome the cycle, write down the following prompts:
1. Name the self-sabotaging behavior.
You know what it is for you: overspending, overeating, codependency tendencies, endless scrolling, procrastination. Name it specifically.
2. List the thoughts you have around this behavior.
Do you “should” on yourself? “Shoulding” sounds like: You should be better than that. You should get over it. You should have figured this out by now. You should have done this last year.
Do you make other judging statements? Do you hold limiting beliefs? These might sound like: I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough money. I won’t be successful anyway. It’s too late. I’m too young. I’m too old.
Whatever your issue is, take a moment to note all the thoughts you have around it, stream-of-consciousness style. This exercise alone is can be enlightening because we give ourselves a chance to explore the thoughts we habitually push away.
3. Ask yourself: Where did I learn these thoughts or behaviors?
Did one of your parents speak or act this way? Did your parents act or say the exact opposite thing? Did you grow up in a church or school that repeated certain beliefs or dogmas over and over again? How has society at large influenced your thoughts and feelings on this issue?
4. Name all of the emotions you associate with the self-sabotaging behavior.
Here are some possibilities: fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, overwhelm, avoidance, grief, irritation.
Be sure to name an actual emotion like “sadness” rather than an external judgment like “feeling judged” or “feeling misunderstood.” If someone is judging or misunderstanding you, what is the emotion you feel in response: sadness, loneliness, anger?
5. Pick the emotion that feels the strongest.
Which of these feelings are most prevalent? Which do you experience most often?
6. As you focus on this emotion, notice where in your body you are feeling physical sensation.
This step takes mindfulness and focused effort. If you focus on the emotion of anger in response to your issue, notice where are you experiencing the physical sensation of anger. Is it in your stomach or shoulders or legs? Is it a draining feeling, tightness, heaviness or warmth?
7. Allow yourself to experience the sensation without judgment for thirty seconds.
Allowing is essentially acceptance of your passing experience and it is the most important part of the whole process. Simply notice the tightness in your stomach or the clenching of your jaw, or the heaviness in your shoulders. Whatever your experience is, simply bring awareness to it. You do not have to change it. You are allowing the full experience of it.
You can say to yourself, “I am noticing this sensation. I do not have to change it. I can hold on to it forever if I choose to. It is simply a feeling I am allowing myself to notice right now.”
The physical sensation my intensify initially and these sensations can seem overwhelming and frightening, especially if we have ignored or suppressed them for an extended period of time. However, if we give ourselves even a moment to experience emotional presence, they often grow and then dissipate fairly quickly.
This practice extends beyond emotions.
The beauty of this practice is the results extend beyond emotions. When we allow ourselves to explore this more hidden, sensational, and non-logical part of ourselves, we are overall more self-aware in the moment. The benefits of this awareness may be felt physically, mentally, relationally and financially.
I often do this practice in conjunction with other body-centered processing techniques like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping) or mindfulness meditation.
The results of simply noticing my physical sensations in any given moment have been profound. I essentially saved a relationship that was ridden with fighting and misunderstanding. I also completely reinvented my relationship to work and money. It is neither miraculous nor magical, and both, as it is simply a sustained effort to work in harmony with what we understand about the body, trauma, and psychology.
Thanks for this! Something similar happened to me in school and at home, and these traumas have certainly shaped me. I have had to learn similar techniques to push myself out of my awful thought loops. Love your writing, btw.